All This English For Ibrahim Traore No Too Much?

A lot of people have praised Ibrahim Traore. I wonder at the level of English they use.

The Myth

Educated people, whom one would least expect to be caught up in the omega power of a new African Messiah, are falling over themselves to appreciate Ibrahim Traoré. There is no shortage of tweets from very serious geopolitical accounts telling Nigerians about the miraculous wonders of Burkina Faso.

Even village soothsayer David Hundeyin has said Traoré’s uncommon focus on the sovereignty of his people shows that he is on the right path. And who can forget Sarkodie tweeting “God protect Ibrahim Traoré”—a tweet that now has 76 thousand likes. Traoré himself cannot speak English, but AI-generated videos of him inspiring the youth in English have now garnered thousands of likes on Twitter.

No African Messiah is complete without a bevy of assassination attempts, and the good captain is no slacker in that department. At last count, Traoré, in just over two years, has survived over 30 assassination attempts. Even the people of Burkina Faso now surround the government house to protect him from evil imperialist powers. And if the people are too timid to protect him, Traoré has the enviable honor of being the only head of state who carries a Glock on his hip wherever he walks. If the colonizer appears, my captain will shoot on sight. Have you seen James Bond? Exactly. And that's on Thomas Sankara.

It doesn’t end there for Captain Ibro. According to very serious sources, the CIA has now warned that Traoré could influence Africa, and the continent would be a superpower in just 15 years! He even removed himself from ECOWAS and formed his own community of states with other West African nations ruled by the military. Don’t listen to liars who told you he did this because of ECOWAS pressure on him to organize elections! Instead, he did this because ECOWAS is merely another tool in the imperial machine. These are truths you will never hear from the Western imperialist and neocolonial media.

So how is he going to make Africa a superpower in 15 years? We all know that the reason Africa looks the way it does is because of neocolonialism. No African can seriously be blamed for the state of the continent. It is always someone else’s fault. In fact, it’s preferable if this someone else is white.

Anyway, my captain attacked this problem at the root by sending the French packing from his country. Next, he nationalized the mines the Chinese controlled and sent them packing. Instead of allying with evil Western imperial powers, Traoré has done the uncommon thing by allying with Eastern imperial powers. You know what they say; Trump tweets, the EU writes a test— For coups and calm, Putin is best

The fruits of his uncommon leadership are already paying off. The human trafficking operation between Burkina Faso and Nigeria is picking up. Optimistic Nigerians are now leaving their homes to live in the Pan-African paradise the captain has created.

Unfortunately, some logistical issues are disturbing the revolutionary fervor amongst the Burkina Babes. Nothing too important—just some minor skirmishes. For example, kicking out the French, bases and all, means that the jihadists have more freedom to roam the country. Now, they have taken over half of the nation. So Ibrahim Traoré isn't really the president of Burkina Faso. He's technically co-president with the Islamic State.

The truth is two years is too short a time for people to judge whether Ibrahim Traoré has defeated the jihadists or not. Yes, I know that Traoré himself removed his predecessor, Damiba, because of insecurity after just nine months. But that was Damiba. Everyone knew he was no good. Did anyone ever call Damiba the second coming of Sankara? No. But they called Captain Traoré that. Who would you rather give time to solve these security issues?

It isn’t like our president hasn’t been hard at work. He recently launched not one, but two tomato processing factories for the country. The factories will employ at least 180 people! That's basically two hundred new jobs. And the factories (both of them, for there are two) expect sales to be around 22 billion naira over the next five years. Twenty-two whole billion naira. Did you even know that numbers could go that high?

That's not all. He has also banned the wearing of British wigs and gowns in Burkina Faso’s courts. Now, they must all wear traditional attire made with imported material. That’s much better and serves to inspire the common man. Instead of being jailed by a black man wearing a wig, you’re now jailed by a black man wearing your traditional attire. Somebody say power?

He’s also inaugurating a national gold refinery expected to process 150 tonnes daily. That would make the refinery refine 55 million dollars worth of gold yearly! A whole 55 million dollars.

According to fawning YouTuber Wode Maya, who totally didn’t go to the country to launder Traoré’s image, the government is determined to build 5,000 kilometers of road in the nearest future. That future could be next year, or the next twenty years. Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Wode says Traoré has an ingenious plan for building these roads. Instead of giving out contracts to private companies like the incompetent Julius Berger, the government has decided to build the roads itself. The government will buy tractors and employ civil servants who will build the roads. Isn’t that just clever? We are cutting out the evil middle-men-contractors in Africa. Who doesn’t know that civil servants are expert road builders? You know what they say: if you want something built, ask the government to do it. Before I forget, he’s also commissioned a new passport for his new organization of African states. Do you know how difficult it is to commission a new passport?

The good thing about the Captain is that he’s also against the imperial machine. That is why he has renegotiated an extended credit facility with the IMF for the third time in one year. Those stupid colonizers think they will ever get their money back — no, the captain will just keep renegotiating. They think they are wise, but they don’t know this Pan-African Maradona. While our dear leader promised a transition to democracy in 2024, people should be patient and realize that democracy is merely a means to an end. If we already have a perfect leader like Captain Ibro, what do we need democracy for?

The Reality

If all of this sounds ridiculous, that’s because it is. Despite the heavy praise by Africans, Ibrahim Traoré is probably the worst leader on the continent today. His actions have made the lives of his people noticeably worse, and he is on the verge of losing the whole country to jihadists. His cartoonish, prepubescent style of wearing combat fatigues and carrying weapons doesn’t make him look dangerous—it makes him look like a clown.

Yet, he has thousands of followers praising his every move. But Traoré isn't the first African despot to achieve nothing and gain praises. Before it was obvious Mugabe would be president for life, he was also fawned over by clueless Pan-Africanists. The same happened with Museveni and Gaddafi. While it is obvious that Traoré himself is paying huge sums for this public relations drive, it isn't totally uncharacteristic of the African psyche to be deceived by bombastic leaders who hate the West. The only difference now is that social media amplifies the most ridiculous voices.

Traoré himself has put a lot of effort into painting his regime as the last stand against neocolonialism. He recently hosted a football match where he—no doubt pushed by teenage male fantasy—played alongside Jay-Jay Okocha and Emmanuel Adebayor. The important context is that this match happened just as half of the country was being overrun by jihadists. Imagine Tinubu hosting such an exercise in tomfoolery at the same time half of the country is controlled by terrorists!

Despite this clear abdication of responsibility in search of childhood fantasies, the praise singers for Traoré have never been louder. Even ridiculous achievements, like the launching of a state bank, have been described with torturous adverbs like “unprecedented” and “groundbreaking.” Traoré has convinced the world that he is fighting European imperialism when he should be focused more on fighting the jihadists who could roll into his state capital any day now.

But that is always how it goes, isn’t it? Every Pan-African “leader” on the continent ends up being a bumbling, incompetent buffoon at the very least. While some of their stupidity is their fault, it's also the fault of the assumptions of Pan-Africanism. It’s a grievance ideology parroted by losers whose only identity is losing civilizational games against Europeans. Any movement coming out of such idiotic association would naturally fail Africans. In the next twenty years, Burkina Faso will remain (hopefully) the same, and Traoré’s praise singers will move on to another stupid swashbuckling Pan-African hero. It is all so tiresome.

In light of this, we have to eventually ask: all this English for Ibrahim Traoré no too much?