Brother, I Have Some Stories To Tell; My Fool-Proof Plans to Escape Poverty Soonest

I have decided to show you my plans to become rich.

For as long as I can remember, I've always been scheming on how to escape poverty. Because make no mistake about it, I'm desperately poor! It's perhaps my most defining trait.

Now, I don't mean for you to feel sorry for me. I have no doubt that many reading this letter are even poorer than me — so I don't need the pity. Like they say, sorry for yourself. Not for me.

As a poor child you cannot do too much to escape poverty. You can only beg God, and he can only ignore you. But once you're 18-19-20-21-22-23-24, it's a totally different ball game. Your parents start looking at you somehow. Just like this

.

Unfortunately, you cannot do something because you don't know what to do. As a young adult, it's a terrible place to be. That's why I've decided to write this article. I've not gotten it all clear yet, but I believe my about-to-be-tested-and-if-not-trusted-I'm-going-to-unalive-myself Fool-Proof plans to escape poverty might be of great help to you.

My plans are real, very easy to use, human friendly, and do not involve you killing anymore than two or three people. You will not get these insights in any church, mosque, celestial, CDS group, WhatsApp group, Twitter thread, viewing center, Reddit abomination, or YouTube video. So make sure you pay attention to my wordings as I'm dropping them. Thank you.

Paid Genital Wrestling

Did you know that the oldest profession in the world is paid genital wrestling? Of course you didn't know, because you only think about yourself. People talk about being lawyers, and engineers and doctors, but do you know how insane it is to practice the first ever profession in the world?!

You may think, oh no, not me! I cannot prostitute myself out for money.

Yes, you cannot do that right now. But you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. And if he does strengthen you, who says you won't be able to dabble in a little bit of paid hanky panky.

But honestly, let's get down to the zips and bras of it all. If you believe sex is nothing but a random physical activity — not more important or significant than a handshake — you ought to be able to do it for money. After all, if someone paid you to shake them, you would without thinking much of it.

Now, even if you believe sex is something more than that, it's important to understand that money is good actually. And you can use your money to acquire expensive vices (like drug addiction and sports gambling) that will remove the moral weight of prostitution off your back.

For example, have you ever met a drug addict who isn't willing to do crazy things for some money? Do you think they worry about prostitution? After all, as they say, $20 is $20.

Besides, you only need to say No Asewo after each round of genital wrestling to absolve yourself of the guilt of selling your body. After all, I know certain boys who have raw gay sex but it doesn't count because they say no homo afterwards. Are you really going to ignore homosexual innovation like that? Don't be a disgusting bigot.

And if you think prostitution is still too bad for you, just send me your feet pics and I will help you sell them for good money. Trust me sister, I'm an actual Nigerian prince. I will totally not runaway with your money and you can totally get it from me by emailing this totally not anonymous email. Seriously!

What am I your dear friend for if I cannot do even that?

What? I'm not your friend at all? Dear God!

Sell (don't do) Fancy Substances

I have a friend who used to sell such substances. No, scratch that, I have two friends that used to sell them. But it was nothing deep. They just sold basic weed. But let me tell you, during the time they sold this stuff, they didn't lack. They both said they made ridiculous money from this trade. Sometimes earning more than five times their initial investment.

But fancy substances business, I hear you scream. How can you even suggest that? I can say it because the Bible says take a little risk and succeed. Okay maybe Speed Darlington said that. But think of it; is there a real difference?

The Bible also says a little fear there, a little fear here, and Sapa will give you sliding tackle. Asides from that, the Bible also says fear not. So what do you have to be afraid of? After all, have you ever found any substance that they imported from hell fire? All drugs are made here on earth with Gods own substances. Honestly, if God didn't want people to smoke loud he would never have created Marijuana. Think about it.

Sure the police may arrest you, you may get into violent clashes with cult boys, and your parents may disown you. But remember guys, it's better to cry in a Benz than to cry in a Keke Maruwa. It's better for police to extort you when you're driving a G wagon than for them to do the same in someone's Uber.

All of the things listed above, such as the police harassment, parents disowning you and even the violent clash with cult boys can all happen even if you didn't sell drugs. In fact, if you live in a sufficiently poor area it's guaranteed that one of them would happen. So why not guarantee that they will happen for a good cause? Take a little risk and succeed.

Become A Sport Analyst

The other day on Twitter I asked my mutuals to teach me how to become a Tete-prenuer. Like regular Nigerians who don't want to allow you to be great because they are envious of your hidden glory and great destiny, they refused to teach me. But that doesn't matter. I'm already learning all those codes. By the time I eventually start, I will go big or go home.

You may be scared of the ancient game of tete, but you don't have to be. What do you have to be scared of? Yes, some lose, but the losers are unlucky. You seem like a very lucky fellow, and I have no doubt that your tickets will boom. As long as you consistently take risks with whatever you have (and even some things you don't have — imagine how much you will win if you sold your dad's car and used the money to carry United straight win at Old Trafford? No one can beat United at Old Trafford!) you will succeed.

Besides, what's the difference between you and someone like Elon Musk? You are both analysts. Today, Musk is the richest person in the world because he took many risks on many tickets. You can take those risks too, and maybe one day you'll become like Musk too. Cowardice and fear has never delivered wealth into the hands of anyone. If you're going to be rich, you have to be courageous. So download Sportybet today and start staking. See you at the top. (This is not financial advice — it's destiny advice).

Sell Your Destiny For Good Money

Okay, I know this may sound outrageous. But is it? Follow my calculus.

Now, you're poor. Yes you have a glorious and good destiny (your pastor told you so). But you're not making use of the destiny. Why not sell it to someone who can convert it into real life currency and collect your share?

Think about it. If you have naira abroad, you will not be able to spend it. But you'll be able to change it to dollars that you can spend. You won't say because it's your naira you don't want to change it. You won't say you have some sentimental attachment to the notes itself. The utility of the naira lies in what it can buy. Therefore, the utility of your destiny lies in the money it translates to in your bank account.

So why not search for a young and promising Babalawo or Yahoo boy and do a simple ritual where you sell your destiny and get money from it. You can even use that money to start a business and it can serve you for the rest of your life. Or you could use it to carry bad bitches. Who cares? As long as it's your money and your destiny.

Of course the Babalawo may eventually find out that your destiny is worthless. But by then you would have already spent the money and ran away from Nigeria. Will the Babalawo call the police that you defrauded him with your useless eleda? No he can't. And if he does, you can just table the matter on Twitter and ruin the Babalawo’s reputation.

Find An Upcoming Artist and Suck Their D888

I was recently at a beach and I saw Davido for the first time. At first I didn't know it was him. I just saw like 12 or 15 guys and a few armed guards entering into the place. I knew it was a VIP, but I didn't know who it was because there were so many guys surrounding him. In the end, though, I got a glimpse of him and his shining diamond chain as he led his crew around.

And that's when I started thinking. Imagine if you were Davido’s friend before he even became popular. Imagine you used to hype his songs and follow him up and down during those days. Imagine just how well placed you would be today, given that you sucked his p8888 very well and didn't fall out with him. You would basically have no cause to lament about sapa ever again. Those 12 guys following Davido around are probably richer than the senior lecturer who taught you at whatever university you attended.

That's why my third plan to escape poverty is to find an upcoming artist and suck their metaphorical penis till they blow. Now, this isn't a totally sure plan. Many things can derail your bright future with your upcoming artist friend. For example, they might not just be that good. When one of the few upcoming artists in my circle released a track last here, here is what my friend texted me.

But in the real sense, does it really matter? How good, exactly, are most Nigerian artists? In my estimation what matters the most in the life of a Nigerian music artist is their ability to try. It may be difficult to get a double-six three times in a row (I have only managed it once), but if you throw the dice a thousand times, the chances increase significantly. Also, try to make sure the upcoming artist you attach with is good looking. Nigerians don't like ugly people.

Have A Beautiful Friend

The fact that you've read up till this point means that you're very poor and extremely desperate to break the shackles of poverty. That's good. Let the desperation flow through you. The more desperate you are, the funnier the things you'll be willing to do to escape poverty. And the funnier they are, the better for me. (I love comedies).

This is an interesting play that I have already started. Here's how to do it. Make friends with extremely beautiful women (it doesn't matter whether you're a man or woman), and influence them into marrying a rich man that can take all of you out of poverty. The hardest part of this plan may be convincing your friend that the best thing for them to do is marry a rich man.

This may be especially difficult if the said beautiful friend is studying a serious course like pharmacy and is on track to being the best graduating student in her school. I mean, why would they just get married to a rich man when they can spend the next twenty years of their life grinding and painstakingly building wealth?

But do you want to wait for twenty years to be rich? No.

The easiest way to do this is to pester them about it everyday and feed them doomsday stories about the horrors of being a working class women. One way to do that is by sending them reels on Instagram that push these ideas into their subconscious. Before you know it, she'll meet one chief with a Private Jet and voila! You're delivered from Sapa.

We Are All Children of God

If you're a Christian you might say, oh you foolish Elewa, I knew this letter would be nonsense. You don't even have any practical and serious plans for mekunu and talika like me and you to leave poverty.

Why would I prostitute myself and sell (not do) fancy substances? (You're retarded). Why would I download Sportybet? (You're a coward). Why would I make friends with an upcoming artist and a beautiful woman? (You lack the vision to see the mission). Why would I sell my destiny? (Because it doesn't look like it's that great).

Okay, this one is especially for you. And I want you to be serious about it and take it very seriously. Have you considered becoming a pastor? Before you start any of that talk about if God calls you then why not, consider this;

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

1 Peter 2:9-10

That looks like a call to me. Doesn't it look like a call to you? Besides, Jesus won't just wake you up at night and tell you to start a church. He will send you signs and wonders. Have you considered that maybe you're not reading this article by accident? That maybe God is using me to call you? Besides, the Bible says that the vineyard Is plenty but the workers are few. Don't you want to become a part of the workers in God's vineyard by setting up your own church?

The thing I love about being a pastor is that you don't need any serious skills to do it. While some of the biggest pastors in Nigeria have PhDs and other such degrees, it's evident that they've thrown anything they learnt from their degrees away. Anyone can pick up the Bible and study it. Anyone can preach from the Bible with enough prep time. You can literally ask Chatgpt to come up with your Sunday sermons for you. No one cares.

You really don't need any sort of intelligence to become a pastor. You just need charisma and balls. Look at that fellow Indaboski. It's beyond obvious he's a low IQ fellow who loves to brag about his supernatural powers. If he can become a successful pastor and lead many to Christ, why can't you? Yes you can. I believe in you.

Age is not a factor either. There are many 20 and 21 year olds in Unilag, OAU, and other such tutorial centers of higher learning answering “Papa” and “Daddy” from their school mates all because they had the steeze to pick up the mantle of Christ and preach the gospel.

One of such persons helped me get my second apartment when I was in Ife, and I can boldly tell you it was the worst apartment I've ever lived in. I regretted the entire transaction, but did the man of God? No. He didn't. God works in mysterious ways.

Another good thing about being a pastor is that your cash out is weekly. Every Sunday you're guaranteed some income. If you're really enterprising, it could be biweekly or even thrice weekly if you choke your members with services and such. You may wonder if they will come, but since I've been born I've never seen an empty church in Nigeria. Even churches in the middle of the road aren't empty. Nigerians will come. Don't worry about it.

Besides, what's the worst that's going to happen? If you get to heaven do you think Jesus will condemn you for opening a church? He would never do that. Does he look like the kind of fellow who would do that? No. He doesn't.

If you're a smart (but actually stupid) cookie, you may say something like this; but the effort put into becoming a pastor is a lot — can't you put that effort into praying to God?

I have two reasons why that comment is foolish.

First, do you know for how many years my parents and all other such people have been praying for financial breakthrough and miracle house and miracle car and miracle random money dropping in their bank account while recieving miracle (but actually expected) fat and robust nothing? Why would you want that for yourself?

You could say well, God doesn't work like that. Jesus is a miracle worker, not a magician (but they didn't ask for magical breakthrough, they asked for miraculous breakthrough), and he can only bless the work of your hands.

My parents and all other such persons praying such prayers for donkey years aren't exactly jobless either, but even if they were — let's assume they are — who's to say that your pastoring isn't the work of your hands that Jesus is looking to bless? Stay there, let trousers be wearing you.

Boring Details

Of course you may ignore my stellar advice and decide to do the back breaking work of building your wealth through traditional and boring means. Good for you. But when you see me tomorrow in some private jet, or in some rich artist's circle, or on the pulpit leading people to Christ, don't ask me foolish questions.

Don't forget to like, subscribe and share. Thank you.