I Said What I Said; A Review.

I review an episode of the popular podcast and I’m pleasantly suprised.

I want to start by saying I do not like podcasts. And for good reason. The thing about podcasts is that they require me to listen to people when I could be doing something better with my time — like listening to music. The second thing about them is that I don’t get the chance to talk. Yes, I know it is strange, but I really like giving my opinion. And podcasts make me listen to conversations without giving me the chance to contribute my one kobo.

What if the podcast person is saying something ridiculous that can easily be countered by my obviously superior logic? What do I do then? Just listen in the hopes that they will someday correct themselves? What good would that do me?

Another reason why I do not like podcasts is that they are usually very long, and there isn’t much I can learn from a podcast that I cannot read from an article that will take me perhaps a fifth of the time to go through. One more reason is that they simply are not that entertaining. Videos, for example, have high entertainment quality. Compared to that, audios are simply just bland.

Lastly, podcasts are very low effort. That means that there are more shitty podcasts than there are great ones. Why would I risk listening to a horrible and boring podcast that would take an hour of my time? No reason at all.

But not everyone is like me. I have friends who listen to some podcasts like their lives depend on it. Some of them even post screenshots of the podcast as they listen, and my reaction to that is often something like; well you did not have to tell us you don’t have a lot to do with your time.

I know you may not agree with my reasoning. And that is great. Let us agree to disagree. Anyway, around last year or so I found out that almost all my female friends listened to a podcast called ISIWIS. If you are not familiar, ISWIS is an acronym for I Said What I Said, and it is hosted by two women, Jolla and FK. Personally, I have never really liked that podcast. Okay, let me be honest, right now, as I am writing this introduction, I do think the podcast is probably a waste of time.

My reasons? Well, I have seen the tweets by the Jola babe, and they do not inspire confidence in the quality of the podcast. I am not saying she’s a bad person or stupid or anything like that, but I only suppose that if the podcast were anything like her tweets, it would be the self-righteous nagging of a mid-wit. To be fair to her, that is what an overwhelming majority of tweets are and that is how you gain traction on that platform. But it is not something I would want to listen to for an hour or more.

However, the fact that so many of my friends loved this podcast made me curious. I do have some retarded friends who love retarded things like Korean pop music and Chelshit football club, but all my friends who love ISWIS in this case could surely not be that daft.

Right? Right?

So I decided that I would get an opinion of the podcast myself. I asked a few friends for recommendations of the most interesting episodes and I decided to listen. This is the result of my listening.

The first podcast of the show I listen to is one that starts off with one of the girls meeting a plumber who is quite Nigerian in the manner of his (in)competence. As the podcast proceeds, I learn that this woman still lives with her parents. I then think of a theory that I have always played with in my mind; only children of poor parents (like myself) wonder unnecessarily about leaving their parents home. If your parents happen to have a grand old house and you have a grand old room in a decent part of town, trust me you wouldn’t worry about independence like George Washington. You would be very chill with being dependent. A lesson for men there.

To show that my observation about this person living in their parents house isn’t at all weird or odd, her co-host literally asks her “whose house do you live in?”. Thank you, co-host. Sorry I cannot differentiate them because their voices sound so alike so it will be “co-host” this and “one woman” that. But. But. But. If I were to guess I would say the Jola person is the one living in her parent’s house. Just an educated guess.

The next agenda on the podcast is that the other lady has car issues. In the next few minutes I am subjected to listening to people who don’t know too much about cars talk about it. Which, I suppose, is the sort of thing you get when Arsenal fans talk about winning. They quickly move on to waxing. I cannot relate. I imagine that a single waxing session is about two months of my pitiable salary. Unfortunate. And then there were sexual innuendos. I wonder how I would feel if I listened to my sister talk about this stuff. I would probably (immediately) projectile vomit. Of course this is just my opinion.

In the fullness of time, I would be reminded why I don’t like podcasts in the first place.

What if the podcast person is saying something cringe that can easily be countered by my obviously superior logic? What do I do then? Just listen in the hopes that they will someday correct themselves? What good would that do me?

Right now one of them is talking about the mechanics of changing a jumpsuit in a restroom because they decided to eat too much. To which I can only say, everyone has their own problems. At this point the second person compared Buga by Kiss Daniel to Baby Shark Doo for adults. Look, on my life, I don’t think even Plato could have written something as truthful.

Next, one of the ladies says something about some man named Korede providing their dinner. This reminds me of a Unilag babe I wanted to see who told me that one of the reasons she came out to see me was because of the promise of lunch. At the time this did not offend me at all. I just thanked God that I had enough money to pay for someone’s lunch. Life, am I right? You can bet your last penny that this exact babe would probably curse you out if you ever said something like “you just have to buy lunch for Unilag girls”. Life is full of delicious little ironies like that, I would say.

Ah, at last, we get to something that isn’t just random gist. Apparently there is this place that the girls go to eat and they have been going for a long time. One of them says she has seen a lot of people there and over the years the lives of these people have changed. They have grown at their places of work and have become “big men”. All I can think of in response to this is that If I have a pretty big change in my life right now, you would not even see me in the same local government, talk less of in the same eatery. In my mind, that proves that people who even start out with enough that they can start being regulars in that place are really starting at somewhere most people cannot get to. Which is sort of depressing, but again that is how life is.

The girls point, anyway, is that it is genuinely difficult to realize how much growth you are undertaking from the inside out. But people who are seeing you from the outside are seeing that change. I agree. I might not think I have changed a lot from 2017 till now, but I am sure my friends realize that I have become a schizio poster with quite a few mental health issues. That is just how life is.

I learn that one of the girls work in construction. Impressive! The next story is how she was scammed (okay to be honest she was not scammed she was just sweet talked by very enterprising workers) into buying lunch for her workers because apparently all of them are Muslims (ah! as if).

The next story is about an Amala date (ah, at last something I can relate to). The guy on the date ordered Orijin bitters (as you do) and mixed it in her front (as you do). So she asked to join in the fun too (as you do). And she drank it and realized why only cultists and hard men drank the drink. Also she adds that the Amala she ate was 8,500. A fact which ran shivers down my spine. If I mistakenly purchase Amala anywhere and it is 8,500, I will 100% snap the bill, laminate it, put it in my Instagram highlights, and write an actual newsletter about it. Are you kidding? I might even add it to my Bumble profile.

This introduces a short segue into how expensive Lagos restaurants are. I want to say I can relate but I actually used to budget to buy Pizza. So.

I have a feeling that this newsletter is delving very quickly into self-pitying territory. But I am actually enjoying myself, so I have to have at it. Like one of them just said. Have at it.

And then we move on to one of the girls parents advising them to get married or something. So, my understanding is that these people are over thirty. If they are not married yet, there is probably a reason. I feel that people in such conditions generally have situations that quite literally cannot be helped. You cannot turn the “get married” switch on and off. So, as the girls eventually confirm, the man is wasting his time with his advise. If it will happen, I suppose it will.

This reminds me of a forty year old spinster I knew when I was about thirteen. She taught me Home Economics and was quite wicked. Or quite wicked according to my thirteen year old conception of the term. I once heard her talking about marriage, and her general disposition to it was “If it will happen it will happen”.

Yet, for some reason, people (ESPECIALLY MARRIED WOMEN) cared more about her status as a spinster more than she did. In fact, one time during her birthday our Proprietress actually made a prayer out of that particular situation out in public. It went something like “and God will make sure you find the bones of your bone”.

My position at the time was that how are you sure the bone of her bone hasn’t married another person? That is a serious thing you need to consider once you are already like 25 and unmarried. If I were the bones of your bone I certainly would not still be looking for you at forty. What does this look like? A charity? The bones of your bones could have also died. So maybe think about that next time.

Anyway that was (and is) my general attitude towards these sort of situations.

Then they start talking about Jola’s cousins who are from Europe (as you do). I think of whether I know anyone who might be from Europe. Well, my former roommate may be moving to Europe soon. That has to count, right? I take a break to think about this Bitch of a life.

My break has finished.

Then they talk about taking some of these cousins for Ice Cream, and Feyikemi exclaims that what’s so special in Lagos Ice Cream. And don’t they have Ice Cream in Europe. Which I think is a great point. I also think, well if someone takes me out to buy Ice Cream I would probably put them in my will because I don too suffer. But this is not about me.

Side Note; This Feyikemi person sounds a lot richer than this Jola person. This Jola person sounds like me when I am complaining about my many poverties. This Feyikemi sounds like my roommate when he’s talking about his holiday in Europe or something.

Feyikemi says her grandmother sent her petrol. I want to talk about the items my grandmother could possibly send me and then I think to myself; why would you put your family on the spot for online nerd clout? That ain’t very cash money of you lad, so I don’t. This grandmother person then advises Feyikemi to start going to physical church and not online church. And that physical churches would help her solve her many problems (ha ha take a fucking guess which problem that is. Have at fucking it)

Look, I am not much of a Christian myself, but I can say that this grandmother person is at least a little bit right. Online church-going is just like online modelling. You think it is the real thing but it has so many filters that you are probably getting bamboozled.

Then the Feyikemi lady says she does not like churches who like to force the Hillsong vibe. To which I think, well, I think you would hate churches that don’t force that vibe. And then I think, well, I do have a friend who loves to wear jeans and get tipsy but still, of her own accord, attends the Deeper Life church in Unilag. So you can never really know with these things. Maybe I am wrong and this person is Iya Ijo Jesu on Sundays. Weirder things have happened to me.

She specifically has a grouse against rapping in church. Which is something I think anyone with any brain cells should see as degenerate. But maybe that is the point these days. I am telling you if I am ever in church and someone starts rapping like bloody Dababy, I would turn to Jesus during the passover feast and whip people. Don’t try me.

Also I think this Feyikemi is lying about attending any church (even online ones) on sundays at all.

The next topic is politics. They start talking about the muslim/muslim ticket. Then Jola says “so they think we are mugs” to which I think, yes, and in three months or so they will prove that assumption fantastically correct. Feyikemi says “you know that thing about who the Gods will destroy they first make mad”. And I laugh. She really thought Tinubu was locked in Nigeria with Nigerians. She did not know that Nigerians were locked in Nigeria with him.

You see, that is the thing with naive people who make pronunciations about political outcomes. The data they feed on is noise, not signal. So even when they are smart, the outcome they come up with is generally retarded. Because they always miss the forest for the trees. This happens to me too I would say, but I always try to know where I went wrong and retrace my steps. I have the humility, so to speak, to understand that a lot of what I feed on is noise, not signal.

She ended with “let’s see.” Too hilarious. I wanted to die from laughing.

Then they spoke about GRV and how he moved from PDP to LP and how he lost and all of that. Meh. Boring.

Now it is time for them to take questions. The first question is from someone who has been dating the same guy for fifteen years now. That is seriously impressive. The only people I have even known longer than 15 years are family members. My longest relationship was back in 2017 and was a five months heart wrenching affair at best. This person says this guy she is dating will not beat her, cheat on her (doubt) and she has seen that he is better than the men out there (what does she mean by that? Has she met Elewa?).

But she says he is very lackadaisical towards life and she doe not like that. So she says she might want better but does not want to dump him and then have to take accountability for that mistake. To which I post, for the first time in these letters, a meme;

You see, she is petrified of being alone and does not want to end up with an asshole. My advise to her? Find God. Let us see the advice of the chuckle sisters.

Jola, I think, says she should have a discussion with him because a lack of motivation is not a small thing. She says it is something that will keep up coming up in the future and if he is not willing to change, she should leave him.

Before I continue, I think there is a reason why men don’t care about this issue at all when it comes to spouses. I am just saying. You could be the least motivated ass in the hemisphere and most men would just shrug. Men, am I right? A lesson for men.

The next three paragraphs will start with the word ”also”.

Also, why is anyone writing in to any show to solve their relationship life drama? This is not even about ISWIS now. Generally, as a rule, why are you writing your relationship story and mailing it to stranger? Do you not have friends to speak to? That is sad. If my babe told the world I lacked motivation and wanted to get advice from two strangers on how to solve that issue I can tell you for free that I would suddenly become quite motivated to leave her.

Also I know that my critique of people writing their life drama to strangers is a bit hypocritical since that is basically what I do with my newsletters. But still you don’t have to be as shameless as I am. Seriously, you don’t have to be. If I put my hands inside fire will you do the same?

Also, also, I am SORRY I have to go there but isn’t this kind of obvious? Both these girls have, by their own admission, significant hurdles in the way of relationships and marriage. Why is anyone writing in to them concerning this issue? Methinks it is not really about getting advise, but a narcisitic urge to have their interesting life drama read out to maybe fifty thousand people. That is what I think. I think questions like this are an exercise in vanity, and since women are more vain than men I am hardly surprised that they are the ones who do this more.

But they are correct. The girl should have a talk with the guy (which she won’t since her grouse with him is probably bigger than a mere lack of motivation). You know what, I simply think she thinks she can do better than this particular guy, but has been out and about enough to know that the market is fucked up and she might be wrong. So the question is basically a cry-for-help/woe-is-me/please-do-you-think-I-can-do-better, my fellow single sisters? Anyway, to answer the question, they tell this woman that she cannot stay with someone just because she thinks she cannot get somebody better. And that that is not a good reason.

Well, I think that if you are with the best you think you can get, it is probably better to suck it up and accept your lot in life. We can’t all get what we want. Any more is just oju kokoro and in this life what greed will introduce your eyes to, your mouth may not be able to talk.

I think I would make a magnificent therapist.

The next person says she is abroad, not in school, without a degree, and does not quite know how to navigate life. Also she is fat. And her mother is bullying her for her weight, and she thinks she cannot get a man because she is not good enough. She has no talent. But she has a job. Ha, some good news. But it is not fantastic. Then she is super frustrated and is trying not to let things get to her, but she is very tired.

Wow, sem.

This person needs a hobby. Like maybe starting a newsletter where you can write all your schizio ideas and critique rich podcast people. That is working rather splendidly for me, I would say. Let us hear from the chuckle sisters, though.

The sisters say she should write down her problems one by one and start solving them one by one. That seems smart, but why do that when you can literally say “it is what it is and keep it moving”. They also say she should adopt a positive mindset. Genius.

Well, let us move on to the third person. This one is a bit of a clown. She is asking why there wasn’t a bouncing castle at the Abuja live show that the chuckle sisters did. The chuckle sisters say that the vendors in Abuja are wack. They also say they did not have space, so there is that.

I chose to call this person a clown because is it a really serious question to ask for a bouncing castle? I don’t know man.

The fourth question is someone who says they are an unprovoked liar. This habit, they say, gets them in big trouble. Yet they cannot seem to stop. What I have to say is what I said about the first person; find God. The chuckle sisters on the other hand argue over whether this person is a natural born liar or whether it is childhood trauma. I would say they are just a natural born liar (if they are even saying the truth about their inability to lie). They also call the person weray for good measure.

Imagine taking your time to write in to a show you listen to religiously, tell them about your worst psychological ailment and then listen to them call you mad to fifty thousand listeners. I personally would not have that, but that is just me.

Then Jola shares her rule in life about lying, which is; who will beat me. Fascinating.

Personally, I am a magnificent liar, and I absolutely believe lying is pretty decent skill that everyone should develop. So maybe this person is just utilizing their skill wrongly, eh. Who knows.

Then it is time for secrets.

Angel; I slept with my bestfriend’s boyfriend while I had a yeast infection.

It was not enough to ruin an happy home, you had to do it with a yeast infection too? Straight to hell. Angel una.

It does not end there. Now the boyfriend and the girlfriend have the infection and they have now broken up. But why did Angel do this, my dear reader might ask. Well, you see the girlfriend stole Angel’s money. Which makes it all good.

I am really interested in the psychology of people who do these sort of horrible things and then write into shows like ISWIS to brag about it. How are they different from serial killers who enjoy reading about themselves in the news? If I did a horrible thing, I would certainly not write an anonymous newsletter about it!

Right about now, the podcast comes to an end. Now, it is time for me to say what I feel about about the whole thing. The first thing I will say is that it was definitely not as ass as I expected it to be. In fact, I had a lot of fun writing this newsletter and listening to the chuckle sisters.

However, HOWEVER, I still won’t spend any time listening to the podcast. My attitude towards podcasts is yet to change and I believe I could use that hour to get better entertainment pound for pound from elsewhere than from any podcast.

Asides from that, I expected a lot of hot takes and hot intelleschual midwittery from this podcast. Why? I have seen that Jola babe’s tweets and that’s how they read. The name of the podcast is also I Said What I Said which implies they will be saying things that people would disagree with. I heard nothing like that. Maybe they did not bring that to this episode. That is unfortunate.

Anyway, now I am done. I cannot think of an appropriate quote so I will write something a friend told me when I informed her that I believed ISWIS was ass.

“You people hate things that women love. That is why you hate Korean movies, hate every other thing. Lol”

— Tems baby

This is the sort of thing you believe after reading that Jola babe’s tweets sha. Anyway, see you guys next week. Don’t forget to like and share if you liked this four thousand word schizio extravaganza. Like and share if you did not like it as well. Thanks and God bless.