There Are No Bald Pastors At Christ Embassy

I went to Christ Embassy For A Few Sundays

There are a couple of things going to Christ Embassy for a few Sundays teaches you. The first thing you should know is that the name of the church isn’t Christ Embassy; it is Believer’s Loveworld. The second is that almost all the pastors look like Pastor Chris. And the third is that you are actually Superman; you just don’t know it yet.

If you are new to this gig, this is my third article exploring different churches in Lagos on my off time. In the first one, I checked out CCI and earned many insults for my efforts. In the second one, I checked out The Lord’s Chosen and didn’t get any insults for it, partly because most people don’t like the Lord’s Chosen on account of their generally bad vibes.

My goal for these articles isn’t to be malicious or cast any pastor or church in a bad light; it is mostly to document and share my candid experience while attending these churches and see if they resonate with anyone. So, let’s dig in.

99% Of Christ Embassy Pastors Look Like Pastor Chris

Whatever you say about Pastor Chris and his church, you cannot say he isn’t a good leader. On my second Sunday in the church, they had cause to talk about pastors from other zones and put them on the flat screen. To my dismay — or amazement — I realized that almost all the pastors looked like Pastor Chris. Almost all of them were tall, fair, and with a full head of perfectly styled hair. None was fat, short, or generally unappealing.

Given the demographics of the country in general, I felt like there was little chance this happened randomly. And yet, there we were! Even the branch of the church I attended had two pastors that basically looked like brothers. Both were fair, tall, slim, and had on identical Jerry-curl hairstyles. I think it would be easier for a camel to walk through the eye of a needle than to find a bald pastor at Christ Embassy.

People can have their explanations, but I have a theory. Several studies have shown that people have a strong bias for beauty. For example, attractive electoral candidates often have better performances because of how they look. If that is true, it wouldn’t be out of place for pastors to be chosen partly because of how good they look and how much attention they pay to their looks.

When I expressed this position to friends, they let me know that it was not unique to Pastor Chris. For example, almost every Winner’s pastor has a similar cadence to Bishop Oyedepo. They also told me that similarity in looks wasn’t the only thing Christ Embassy had going for it; it also had a strange similarity in names. For example, a friend let me know that half of the pastors he knew in the church were named Chris.

You would think this would be the weirdest thing about Christ Embassy, but it isn’t. Not by a long shot.

Delulu Is Actually The Solulu

About two years ago, Christ Embassy members circulated an image (or was it a tweet) talking about a record-breaking service. According to members, the service was record-breaking because seven billion people attended online and in person. Anyone with even rudimentary understanding of internet infrastructure would know that is impossible. It is the sort of lie you wouldn’t expect reasonable, educated folks to believe. That is because it isn’t really a lie.

On about my third Sunday at church, the pastor said something interesting. He said that reality isn’t what matters, but what has been approved in the spirit. So, even if you don’t have a million naira to donate to the church, you should be able to come out and believe in faith that you will miraculously have that money to donate. The pastor said this while making an altar call for donations.

That statement got me thinking, as it was in line with the sermons I’d heard the previous Sunday. The pastor repeatedly said that reality — that is, the real world we both exist in — is the inferior form, and if you had already received your blessing spiritually, all you needed to get it physically is to affirm it.

For example, if you are praying for a life partner, one way to exercise your faith that you have received it is to fill "married" in personal information forms. If you are expecting a car, one way to express your faith is to go to driving school, or even start buying fuel for the car.

After all, the Bible says, "Let the weak say they are strong." How is that any different from "let the church say their livestream that had only a few hundred thousand viewers (if that), say they had seven billion?" It is the same thing, friend. Like they say, it is all tactics. The reasoning is coherent, if deceptive. However, I don’t think it is materially any different from lying.

If I promised to pay someone a certain amount for a job, and then told them I didn’t have the money because God was yet to bless me with it, they would be right to smack my face. It is true that I have the delusional belief that God will come through with the money. But it is also true that I misled the person by telling them I could meet a certain requirement while knowing I didn’t yet have the ability to.

So, while I now understand why the Church made that announcement, it just makes me have even more unfavorable views about them. It would be even better if the campaign was a straightforward lie, instead of a product of an organization-wide delusional disposition towards facts. I can forgive mischief, not stupidity.

I Don’t Think Christians Should Be Rappers

I might sound petty, but I don’t think gospel music ought to be performed by artists. The reason is that I don’t think it is possible for these songs to be performed without the artist involved massaging their ego through it. Now, I am not against this in principle — I actually disagree with Paul and believe people should boast. But I also know that most Christians don’t, so I wonder how they parse that understanding with watching gospel artists perform. However, that is only one leg of my opposition to Christian artistry.

The second leg of my opposition isn’t the most intellectual, but it is the strongest in my psyche. And that leg is that rapping on the altar is simply cringe and inappropriate for the solemnity that a church service should have.

Now, imagine how I felt when I walked into my first Sunday service and I had to labor through not one but two performances by two Christian rappers. They had blings on like regular rappers, wore the same flashy clothes, and the only big difference, I’d say, is that video vixens weren’t shaking their asses on stage and their lyrics weren’t about Igbo and Shayo.

Thankfully, the rappers are kind enough to interject their rapping with the reason for the singing. All this rhyming and hopping about and fashion is about Jesus actually. He tells us that he plans to Win Dem Souls 4 Christ with trap music. Don’t you want to trap for Jesus? Hallelujah.

You Are A Christian Superman

Do you want to have superpowers? Do you want the ability to walk on water (seriously)? Do you want to never get sick? Do you want to have all the money in the world? Well, you can. All you need is more faith and more belief in these things, and you can have them all. That is the long and short of the doctrine of Christ Embassy.

When the Bible says you can move mountains with faith, the people over at Christ Embassy believe it literally. Not only can you move mountains, you can also fly, never go bald, live forever, and be impervious to bullets. You also cannot fall sick, will be rich forever, can never fail, can have laser beams shoot out of your eyes, and can basically become Christian Superman.

In the second service I attended, the pastor warned us sternly about getting sick. Sickness, to him, wasn’t caused by stupid things like germs or bacteria. Instead, they were all caused by a lack of speaking in tongues. How can you fall sick if you speak in tongues? Are you some sort of retard?

He also warned us about being poor. Christ already said he was poor so that we can be rich. So how are you still poor? How can a joint heir with Christ be poor? He then went on to say that our poverty (because I am also poor) was because we aren’t serious enough on our journey of faith. He was very authoritative with this too, and I started wondering exactly how rich he was.

I know there are many who would have alarm bells ringing in their heads right now. This is just materialism at work, they might exclaim. But is it? Prosperity gospel and health gospel are both materialistic in nature. The pastor saying you should not fall sick because you are Christian relies on the same logic as the pastor saying you shouldn’t be poor for the same reason. But somehow, only one material gospel gets the cane from our Very Serious Bible Scholars. I wonder why.

The thing about the idea behind the Christian Superman is how antithetical it is to traditional Christian doctrine. One of the reasons Nietzsche hated Christianity, for instance, was because he called it a system of morality for slaves. Jesus tells you to turn the other cheek when you are slapped, forgive your enemies — even when they scheme to murder you — and eschew pride, self-interest, and assertiveness. We are commanded not to follow our own will, but the will of the Father. When Jesus tells you that you can move a mountain with your words, the subtext there is that the moving of the mountain in the first place must be according to God’s will. And last but not least, we are commanded to give our lives for our friends.

Instead of promising us riches and everlasting life here on earth, Jesus promises it to us when we get to heaven. Even earthly desires, like the need to drive the best cars and live in the best houses, are condemned — not discouraged, condemned — by Jesus when he says it is easier for a camel to walk through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God. These are all common critiques that any half-bit philosopher can make of Christianity.

However, Christ Embassy upends this critique by telling you that you are wrong actually, and God has a vested interest in you living the best life on earth. One Sunday, the pastor informed us that God wants us to be very rich in particular, and that it is impossible for us to want more wealth for ourselves than God wants for us. Sorry, Nietzsche, Christianity isn’t actually slave morality. It is Master morality.

In any case, the main thrust of the gospel of Christ Embassy is to help each and every one navigate their journey of faith until they become Christian Superman. One Sunday, the pastor even said that the apostles suffered and died horrible deaths because they had to — you see, it was written. But all of that is irrelevant, as you, dear random member of the congregation, are not supposed to die or suffer. Did anyone write or prophesy about your death and penury? You are supposed to be Christian Superman.

Sorry saint Stephen, you were condemned to die by stoning but random Christians in Nigeria can never have something so stupid befall them. What of the ones who suffer these things in the north or other parts of the world? Well, maybe they should have spoken in tongues more frequently. Besides, do they even attend Believer’s Loveworld?

Only one car was parked in the church premises that Sunday.

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Commercial Break

Ever dreamt of being a venture capitalist but didn’t have the capital to invest or the venture to invest in? Come one, come all to Believer’s Loveworld where you can become an actual partner and invest in a venture that will never shut down. We will never run out of runway and you will never receive a mail about the liquidation of your assets.

All you need to become a partner at this ultra-modern religious venture is a one-time (on a recurring basis) investment in our spiritual investment products, which include Rhapsody of Realities, building projects, and so much more. By partnering with the church in these projects, you become a spiritual venture capitalist who invests physical capital for spiritual blessings (which can also be bargained into material blessings at a later date — if you have enough faith).

We even have a partnership day where all we talk about is partnerships and the different ways you can be a partner. There are even days where we share quarterly reports and important financial KPIs. If your branch reaches their goal, that is even more blessing for you as a partner. And we might — might — even put your pastor’s name on the screen as a top-rated performer. Don’t you want that?

Don’t like paper currency because it is fake and centralized and gay? Good, because here at Believer’s Loveworld we have something called Espees. They are cryptocurrencies created by our founder, Pastor Chris, way back in 2021.

Remember, you don’t actually need to have the cash or capital to be a partner. You can just pray for it, believe you have received it, and when you do receive it, transfer it to us.

So come one, come all and partner with us today.

Don’t you want to drive a benz?

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Saved Once, Saved Forever

When I was younger, I was taught that every person has a heaven clock dangling right above their head. Each time they sin, the clock reads red, and if they die at that point, they go to hell. But whenever they ask for forgiveness, the clock resets, and if they die at that point — even if it’s minutes after committing ritual murder — they go to heaven.

This was a logistical nightmare for me as a child, as it meant I had to ask for forgiveness from God every two hours or so in order to avoid going to hell. It isn’t because I was such a bad sinner, but because there are just too many sins to count! Like they say, show me the man, and I will show you the crime. Is there really anyone that can go through an average day in Lagos without lying (eye-service is also a lie), gossiping, envying, getting angry, being a glutton, being lazy, or being selfish?

That is why every morning and evening prayer session is led, first, by asking God to forgive us. Because it is near impossible to go a day without committing a minor sin, and as we all know, even minor sins can damn you to hell forever.

The good folks over at Christ Embassy have found an ingenious solution for this annoying problem. And that solution is literally never asking for forgiveness after the first time. They anchor this solution with the Bible verse John 3:16, where we are taught that the only criteria for making heaven is believing in God. Once you believe, God makes you righteous, and any other instance of you sinning is merely a misalignment issue that doesn’t negate your salvation.

Here is how they put it. The Bible says, "If any man be of Christ, then he is a new creature." That new creature, at that instance, lost the ability to sin. But what if I sin regardless of being a new creature? I mean, that happens, right? Well, that sin is something of a clerical error. It isn’t real. It won’t show up in the final accounting and therefore you don’t have to ask for forgiveness for it, as long as you still believe. Therefore, that sin — or mistake — says nothing about your standing with God. It’s a fluke; a flake; remember, there is no war in Ba Sing Se.

The argument here is that since God has already made you righteous, you cannot be less or more righteous because of your own actions, no matter what those actions are. Since salvation isn’t gotten by works, our works — as long as we confess and believe — are irrelevant to the question of our salvation. Let’s consider Romans 5:17-19 for instance.

Romans 5:17-19 (NIV):

17 For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God’s abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ!

18 Consequently, just as one trespass resulted in condemnation for all people, so also one righteous act resulted in justification and life for all people. 19 For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.

Make no mistake, whatever you think of the doctrine, the reasoning is somewhat correct. Here, Paul says that we inherited the sin of Adam due to no action of ours. The good and bad pagan are similarly condemned to hell because of Adam, not because of their sin. Ergo, the good and bad Christian, by the same reasoning, are assured of heaven because of the death of Christ, not due to their actions.

Unfortunately, this argument also runs into its own questions. The Christian is still required to believe and confess that Jesus is Lord before accessing this blessing. The righteous act on the cross didn’t necessarily result in salvation for all people, but for all people who believe. The evil act in Eden resulted in damnation for all people, regardless of whether they believed or not.

I don’t see or understand how people who believe in this version of the gospel marry these ideas, but the consequences of course are immediately obvious in the church itself. For example, there is at least one openly gay person in every service. And why not? Secondly, everyone wears what they want. Chains, blings, miniskirts, face caps, whatever it is. And it all goes. Why shouldn’t it? A new creature in Christ cannot sin, so how can their mere dressing be transgressive? It is mere clerical error. Will you believe your lying eyes over the fact that a Christian cannot sin?

The irony is that people like Nietzsche who bemoan the slave morality of Christianity would absolutely love the new morality of churches like Christ Embassy. Wait, you mean you are not only Superman, but you also don’t have to grovel and beg for forgiveness of sins?

To provide more balance to this part of the gospel, I should note that seriously believing that Jesus is the Son of God should engineer some major behavioral changes in your life. So I don’t think the scam of someone merely pronouncing the words and going on a sinning spree with insurance of making heaven and everlasting life will actually work. When the final accounting is done, you would be condemned to hell because you didn’t truly believe. So, on the balance, I think this quirk is a welcome logistical solution to the problem of having to ask God for forgiveness twice daily.

What About The Conspiracy Theories?

Pastor Chris has made Christ Embassy the official mascot for crazy American flavor conspiracy theories about the world, which is incredible considering the fact that pastors like T.B Joshua and Jeremiah Omotosho exist.

Thankfully, his pastors don’t pay too much mind to those theories and they are only ever alluded to in passing. For example, after the recent Benue massacre, a member told me that the reason for the massacre was so that the government can use the ensuing famine to import GMO maize. Thankfully, that is as batshit as it ever got. No one tried to seize my 5G enabled phone from me.

Will I Attend Again?

Yes, I would. The service was short, the lights were great, the people were pleasant, and everyone was really earnest. At a point I was considering making my visit to the church permanent, but I felt it was going to get boring quickly.

If you are looking for a church that apes American televangelists as much as possible, always pronounces church as cherch, where you will never have to suffer a bald head, andbwill be wined, dined and sixty-nined to a bevy of American conservative conspiracy theories, then Christ Embassy is the place to be. Extra points if you are Web3 native and want to hodl some Espees for the glory of God.

For my next church, I will be attending Harvesters. There is a branch really close to me, and I cannot wait to start. See you on the next one.